Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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