I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
