Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
