you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
