I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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