According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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