then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
