I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
