i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
