The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
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