You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
