I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
