If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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