how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
