mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
