Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
