She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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