I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She told me I should be a condom model.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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