He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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