I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
