There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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