Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
What a dumb baby whore.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
