Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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