Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
