When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
