you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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