come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
being pregnant is like rehab
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
