you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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