my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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