I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
