I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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