i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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