Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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