Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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