The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
