His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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