she was so not down for the gang bang
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
