ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
