i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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