Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
