sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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