I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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