So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
