if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
