Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize