life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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