Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
