My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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