She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
