Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
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I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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