Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
