Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
