who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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