He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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