I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
