Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
