Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
