I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
