K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
