I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
